


it's not that i wait for you, it's that my arms are doors i cannot close

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-13
Updated: 2009-04-13
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Kathryn's sheets are cotton candy pink.</i> (or, the five times kathryn made lily feel awkward (and the one time she kissed her)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not that i wait for you, it's that my arms are doors i cannot close

Lily doesn't remember who invited her to the party.

Well, that's not exactly quite right, as she knows it must have been another cast member -- obviously, this being a cast party -- but she doesn't actually remember being invited. She wonders if it was maybe just one of those things; standing around in a group, someone said, hey, party, and it was like an open invitation, because if it really mattered who fucking came and who didn't, they would have just fucking passed out invitations.

She thinks maybe she's being rather bitter about nothing, because it's not everyone else's fault if she's a bit quiet and shy and doesn't get on with most of the cast members. Correction: she gets on with them, but she doesn't really _know_ them, they're just the people in her Saturday morning drama class.

She doesn't mind it, not really, because it's all over now anyway, they're finished for the year, and she's not coming back again, so she's not actually all that upset about not making any friends, because she's shit at technology -- doesn't even have a fucking mobile phone and she can't use the computer to save her life, what a failure for her generation -- and she wouldn't have been able to keep in touch with them anyway.

It gets too hot indoors; it always gets too fucking hot indoors at parties, with everyone drinking and dancing and there's so much fucking energy that it's overwhelming at times. She thinks she saw someone passing out drugs -- brightly colored pills, and she's not really surprised, doesn't even really give a fuck, because she's drunk enough cheap beer to get a bit drunk, and that's good enough for her.

So she's sitting outside on the front stoop, fringe sweaty and clinging to her forehead, and she feels a bit sticky and disgusting, but she's also hot and tired and being outside seems like the best idea right now. She leans back, rests her weight on her hands; the cement is cool and reassuring against her palms.

A girl stumbles outside a few minutes later, just as Lily's thinking she should either get the fuck back up and go inside and join the party or go inside and call for a taxi. The girl's got pink hair, bright pink hair, and Lily knows who she is -- hard to not know her, everyone in drama class fucking adores her, all giggly and outgoing and friendly, great fun at parties, or so Lily's heard -- but she doesn't remember her name, because the alcohol's fucking with her brain, so she just stares at her dumbly for a bit.

"Kathryn," she finally manages, as the girl slides down into the space on the steps beside her.

"Hey soda-pop," Kat says, and Lily thinks, she's heard someone say that before, she knows she has, but she can't make the connection. And then Kat flashes her a smile and Lily grins back, ridiculously.

Kat says, "You sick of the party?"

And Lily nods and shrugs and then says, "I dunno. I just needed to get out of there for a bit."

Kat nods, like she understands, pulls a cigarette out of nowhere, lights it quickly, takes a long, long drag of it, like she needs it just as bad as anything else, like air. Lily watches as she exhales slowly, blowing the smoke out through her pursed lips. She grins again, offers the fag to Lily.

Lily puts it against her lips, remembers primary school and something about indirect kisses, and passes it back quickly.

"I think I'm gonna call a taxi," she says, standing, pulling down her shirt and smoothing out her skirt. Her stomach churns unpleasantly; her head's already fucking throbbing and she thinks that her hangover tomorrow is going to be fucking awful.

"Right," Kat says, not even bothering to look at her, just staring on straight ahead. "Cool. I'll see you around."

 

;;

 

Outside, on the walkway by the parking lot, Lily's smoking.

A girl -- Kat, she thinks, _Kat_ \-- slides up beside her, holding out a fag expectantly. Lily reaches into her pocket for her lighter, flicks it open, lights Kat's cigarette for her. Kat gives her an appreciative nod and a hint of a smile. She takes a long drag of her cigarette, leans back against the railings beside Lily. Tipping her head back, eyes closed, she sighs, blowing smoke up to the sky. They're quiet for a bit. Lily watches as the smoke from the ends of their fags, lazy, wispy swirls, drifts up and away, stolen away by the cool night air.

"You know," Lily says, after a time, because she can't quite stand the silence, "I recognized you from drama class right away. You remember, yeah? Two, three years ago. Mountview. Saturday mornings."

"Yeah?" Kat glances over at her.

"Well, it's hard to forget someone with bright pink hair like yours."

Kat laughs, and the sound is smooth and low; it seems very familiar to Lily, though she doesn't remember ever hearing Kathryn laugh before (even though she's sure she has, she must have). "I won't have pink hair for long, though. Meg and I, we're getting matching haircuts. Or whatever. By next week, it's probably going be like, red. Or something."

"I'm going blonde."

Kat raises an eyebrow. "Yeah? That'll be a change." She pauses, considers this. "A good change though, I think. It'll look good on you. Your eyes are really blue -- striking," she adds, after a moment, leaning in a bit too close (it makes Lily feel rather uncomfortable, like she's being studied).

She responds with a shrug, tapping her cigarette one, twice in quick succession, watching the tiny bits of ash float to the ground.

Kathryn leans back again, eyes closed, takes another long drag. It's only then that Lily notices that Kat's got a lip piercing; she can see the cheap florescent lights outside of the restaurant glinting off the metal stud. She wonders when Kathryn had that done, because she doesn't remember Kat having one two years ago. Or maybe she did, Lily thinks, and realizes that she doesn't really know Kathryn at all. She's also suddenly aware of how close Kat is to her; their hands, resting side by side on the railing, are a breath's away from touching. She resists the urge to shift away, looks instead at Kat's nails, painted a dark crimson color, so stark against her pale skin.

Lily can't paint her nails. Every time she tries to do it herself, she always fucks up and smudges the polish everywhere and it just ends up looking like shit. She has to go to a salon to have them done right.

She thinks that Kat probably painted her nails herself.

"I recognized you too," Kat says and Lily's a bit taken back by it, never expecting Kathryn to remember her, the quiet, shy girl who kept to herself and didn't talk much at all.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Kat finishes her cigarette, flicks it aside casually. "You and I, we're like strangers, though. I don't know anything about you. Have we ever even talked to each other? Did we ever even talk at all then?"

Lily drops her fag to the ground, crushes it out with the toe of her canary-yellow sneaker. "Not any more than the script called for."

"Nice," Kat says casually, pointing to Lily's sneakers. Then, "I mean, I think we should be mates. Just, you know, like, proper ones."

Lily wonders if there's actually a right and wrong way for people to be mates, but she says, "Well, we'll be seeing each other a lot from now on -- well, obviously -- and I suppose it'll all work out, um. Proper."

"Yeah, right," Kat grins and runs a hand through her hair, looks out at the street. "You don't know much about Naomi, do you?"

Lily pulls out another fag (she should really think about cutting down, she thinks, since it's not really all that great for her voice, and anyway, she hasn't got the money to waste). "Not really. Why?"

Kathryn shrugs, doesn't look at her. She yawns a bit, looking rather bored. "Just curious."

"Well, what about you? Do you know a lot about -- who're you playing again? Sorry, my memory's shit."

"Emily. And yeah, a bit." A pause. "Enough."

Lily nods, though she doesn't really know what Kat means by that, and now she's nervous, because, okay, yes, she does know _some_ stuff about Naomi (obviously she does, she has some idea, considering the kind of questions she was asked during auditions -- _would you have any problems kissing a girl?_ \-- it's not exactly subtle). But she thinks now that maybe she doesn't know as much as she thinks she ought to, that she knows less than she probably should.

And because she really doesn't know what to say, she opts instead for silence, taking a long drag of her cigarette.

The night's gotten a bit cool, despite it being summer, and she shivers a bit, as the wind picks up. Her bangs fall out of place, into her eyes, and she brushes them away, tucking them behind her ear. Kathryn looks over at her, smiles, doesn't break the silence. Lily is suddenly struck by how Kathryn looks in the yellow glow of streetlights, dressed all in black -- capris, low cut top, with her hair (the brightest shade of pink Lily's ever seen) falling around her face, down around her shoulders, in gentle waves.

And then Kat says, cocking her head to the side and gazing at Lily thoughtfully, "You know, I think I'm going to like it. You and I."

"What?" Lily asks, confused, cigarette now forgotten, tucked between her middle and index fingers, the end smoldering.

Kathryn just shrugs again -- is this how it's always going to be, Lily wonders, both of them quiet and non-committal, they're never going to get anywhere -- and flashes Lily a brilliant smile. Lily just watches as she pushes herself into a standing position, watches, wordlessly, as Kat heads back into the restaurant without so much as a goodbye.

She'll see her again, Lily thinks, as tosses her cigarette aside, suddenly uninterested in a smoke.

 

;;

 

"Come out with us," Kathryn says, over the phone, because Lily only just got her mobile phone a few days ago and she doesn't really fucking know how to work it, especially not when it comes to texting, so she has to call everyone who texts her.

"Where?"

"I don't fucking know just, out," Kat says, sounding bored and irritated. "Shopping, I guess. Yeah, Meg's telling me shopping. I guess Kaya and Lisa are coming too -- " a pause, " -- yeah, they're coming too."

Lily says, "I don't know, I haven't really got any money right now."

"Just come anyway, yeah? I promise it'll be fun. Okay, that's a fucking lie, I can't promise that. But whatever, just fucking come. Meg's better friends with Lisa and Kaya than I am, so I'll be like the third wheel. Well, fourth, which doesn't exactly -- I want to hang out with you."

So Lily comes, because she doesn't really have anything better to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon. It's the first Sunday they've had off in a while (they're ahead of schedule or whatever, Lily doesn't really know, she's just grateful to be taking a break from shooting, only, she's bored as hell with nothing to do, because she's so used to working by now).

"I hate shopping with Meg," Kathryn complains, later, when they're all out.

"Then why did you agree to come?"

Kathryn shrugs. "Meg and I do everything together." She laughs. "Okay, so, that's not really true. But the fact is, if Meg wants to do something with me, I do it with her. Works the other way around too; I've dragged her to quite a few things that bored her out of her fucking mind."

She laughs again and Lily shoves her hands into her pockets.

She looks over, sees Meg over with Lisa and Kaya all the way over on the other side of the room, going through a rack of clothes and laughing about something. And then she looks back over at her and Kathryn, who's admiring herself in one of the full length mirrors that are scattered about the shop.

"Come on, let's go," she says, surprising herself. "Let's get out of here, go do something else, like, get coffee."

Kathryn smiles at her in the mirror. "I have been thinking we need some one on one time together."

Lily blushes a bit, despite herself. "I'll go tell Meg, yeah?"

"No matter," Kat says, taking out her phone. "I'll just text her."

"I like your shoes," Lily says later, and it comes out sounding like the dumbest thing she's ever heard, because they're just fucking black and white shoes, she's got a pair just like them at home, they're nothing special. But Kathryn seems to take it as a compliment, flashing her a broad smile.

"Thanks. I like your shirt."

Lily shifts, looks down at herself, suddenly self-conscious. "Yeah, it's okay. It's alright."

Kat looks at her, frowns, like she's considering something. Then, "So, are you a good kisser?"

Lily chokes on her mouthful of coffee. "Excuse me?"

"I want to know if you're a good kisser," Kathryn says, in a conversational tone, as if they're discussing the weather, not Lily's kissing ability. "I'm only asking, and it's only fair to ask, I think, seeing as I'm going to be kissing you a lot for these next couple of months. So I want to know, are you a good kisser?"

Lily flushes and looks down at her cup, at a complete loss for words.

"Come on, it's nothing to -- look, I'm sure you know, yeah? People usually tell you when you're good at something like that." Kat lens forward, studying her. "I think you will be -- are. I can just tell."

Lily shrugs as nonchalantly as she can manage and keeps her eyes focused on her coffee. "I guess I'm okay. I mean, no one has ever told me I wasn't very good at it."

"People tell me I'm a good kisser all the time," Kathryn boasts, looking rather pleased with herself. Then, looking a bit deflated, "Well, okay, it was only one time that someone said I was a good kisser. But I've kissed loads of people -- okay, three -- and they never said I was rubbish at it, so I'm just assuming they thought I was good."

"Oh," Lily says, because she doesn't know what else to say. "Well, that's, uh. Good. Congratulations."

Kathryn beams at her. Lily shifts in her chair uncomfortably. They sit in a silence that seems to go on and on forever, until finally Kathryn's cellphone rings and she picks it up to look at the screen. It's Meg, Kat tells Lily, glancing down at the keypad, fingers posed to send a response, she wants to know if Kat and Lily are going to come back so they can all get lunch somewhere. Lily nods, says yes, relieved at not having to spend the whole day with Kathryn. It's not that she doesn't like her, because she does, honestly, and they have great fun on set.

It's just that Kat has a way of making Lily feel uncomfortable that she really doesn't like at all.

When she leaves them all much later to head back home, Kathryn winks and blows a kiss in her direction, dissolving into a fit of giggles a moment later. Lily swallows hard, her mouth suddenly dry, and on the bus tries not to think about kissing Kathryn, even if it won't mean anything, even if it is just play-acting and make believe.

 

;;

 

The morning of the lake scene, Lily wakes up feeling sick.

The feeling, that heavy weight in her stomach, is gone by the time she's showered and had breakfast -- it's 6.30 in the morning and she's dressed and ready to leave to leave, but she's waiting until the last possible second to do so. She doesn't want to leave just yet, doesn't want to rush things any more than is necessary. It's stupid, really, because they've practiced this scene a thousand times by now -- never in front of a camera, yes, but Lily tells herself it isn't all that different, washing out her coffee mug for the third time this morning, getting the cuff of her sleeve wet in the process. She knows it all by heart, the lines, the actions, the cues, the way Kat leans in for a kiss, the way she always licks her lips.

Fuck it, she thinks, this is nothing new, and then she thinks back to before, the first time they had to kiss, with the ridiculous pyjamas, Pinot Grigio, and MDMA laced brownies (which were unfortunately just plain old brownies, and she got sick after eating so many of them). But, she thinks, point, she's been in this situation already. Sort of, anyway. Enough so that now she shouldn't be bothered at all.

And hell, it's not just _her_ , it's _both_ of them, they've been here before, and she doesn't really know why she's suddenly feeling so nervous and anxious and what the fuck ever, because she was fine with it just yesterday.

It's approximately nine o'clock in the morning and people are already singing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl," as if it's actually funny, much to the dismay of both Lily and Kathryn, the later of who is sitting off to the side, scowling.

"They could at least sing the Jill Sobule song," she grumbles to Lily, as Lily slides down beside her, waiting for the crew to finish setting up. She shrugs in response, because she doesn't know Jill Solubule or whatever her name is and she doesn't know of any other songs about kissing girls.

They get the bike riding scene right after only three takes, even though Kathryn can't ride a bike to save her life, it seems, and Lily is a bit afraid that they'll crash into each other. She makes a joke in-between takes about Emily not even being able to ride a bike straight, and Kat rolls her eyes and shoves her, but Lily can see the faintest hint of a smile, the corners of her mouth turning up just enough to give her away.

The water in the lake is bitter cold.

Lily, barefoot, dips her toes into the water, yanking them out again instantly. " _Fuck_."

Kat grins and Lily scowls at her, which just makes Kat grin wider.

"It's fucking freezing," Lily tells her.

Kat shrugs. "I'm sure it'll be fine once we're in the water."

She can feel Kathryn's eyes on her as she undresses, dropping her skirt, pulling her shirt up and over her head, tossing it aside. It's all part of the script, the scene, but she still feel uncomfortable, knowing that someone's watching her. she turns, crosses her arms, partially because she's cold and partially because she's a bit embarrassed (she'll never get used to Kathryn staring at her when she's half-naked, her gaze is too intense). Lily opens her mouth to say her line -- "I said _don't look_." -- when the director calls cut, tells Kat that Emily looks too bold, too eager, that the looks that she gives Naomi should be a bit shyer, unsure but hopeful. Hesitant.

Lily watches Kathryn nod solemnly, taking it all in, biting down on her bottom lip, worrying it with her teeth. She tugs her clothes on silently, stands still so that the hair and makeup crew can come over and fix her up for a re-shoot of the scene.

The water _is_ freezing, and Lily feels smug for a moment, and then the coldness hits her harder than she expected and she's coming up for air, gasping. She thinks it's the coldest she's ever been, wants desperately to get out, and then notices Kat over by the side, clinging to it, crying and shivering. It's so out of character; it snaps her instantly back to reality and she's swimming over quickly to see what's wrong, because her mind isn't really working as well as it should, what with the cold, but she knows that Kat's not okay.

Kathryn almost gets hypothermia.

Lily sits next to her in the back of the ambulance, shivering, wrapped in two thick blankets (which are rather scratchy against her bare skin, but whatever, she's not going to complain), hair dripping wet. Kat still looks rather ill, shivering violently beneath her blankets, looking near ready to pass out. Lily reaches over, awkwardly rubs Kathryn on the back, a feeble attempt at comfort, and Kat manages a weak smile in return.

Lily's suddenly overcome with the desire to just _hug_ her, to wrap her arms around Kat and not let her go, because really, she just looks so small and pathetic right now, her red hair soaking wet, plastered against her forehead, neck, the side of her face, her skin seemingly too pale a color in comparison. She doesn't, though, because she's half-afraid that if she touches Kathryn, she'll break right in two; she looks too fragile.

At the hotel, the shower breaks.

If this wasn't so fucking horrible, Lily thinks that she would probably be laughing.She's quite sure that at some point, perhaps tomorrow, she'll look back on it and do just that. Thing is, right now she's cold and sore and tired and Kat's half-dead, basically, and this is not fucking amusing _at all_.

They stand in the bathroom, still so fucking cold, wrapped only in towels.

Kat seems to be feeling better though; she's gotten back some of her color and she's not shaking anymore. Also, she's grinning ridiculously at Lily, which is, as far as Lily's concerned, perhaps more of a bad thing than a good thing. She braces herself. And then Kat says,

"You know, we could always just shower together. It'd be fair that way; neither of us would have to wait."

Lily flushes and coughs and looks down at her feet and says, "I'm not that desperate to be warm, really. You can have the first shower, if it gets fixed or if we get a new room or whatever. I don't mind waiting."

"Whatever," Kat says, with a shrug. "I'm just suggesting it. I mean, we could wear like, I don't know. We could keep our underwear on. Not that I would mind either way -- haven't you ever had to shower at school before?"

Lily wants to point out that two situations are very different, thank you very much, but instead she says, without thinking, "Well, I suppose it won't be all that bad, I mean, if you really wanted to," and then mentally slaps herself, because, _honestly_.

Kat grins again again, broadly, and Lily adds quickly, "I don't mean like -- well, it would save time. Because I want to finish all the lake scenes today, you know? And it's not really like, a real shower. Just warming up."

"Right."

"You suggested it, so, I --"

"I think it's a good idea," Kat laughs and Lily flushes again. "No, really. I don't care either way, but if it makes you uncomfortable -- "

" -- It _doesn't_." She's lying, of course, but she thinks that not lying would probably make things more awkward, because she's sure if she protests adamantly about not doing it, it will make Kat think she has something to hide. Which she doesn't, of course, but she doesn't want Kat to think she does.

In the shower, the hot water splashing down on them, Lily tries very hard to look straight ahead or down at her feet. It's nothing she hasn't seen before, really, she's seen Kat half-naked before -- she's seen pretty much the whole cast naked before, it's really a non-issue -- but it all feels very different right now. Number one, usually people are naked (or semi-naked) because the scene calls for it, so she's not really paying attention to that sort of thing. It's not personal. Number two -- which is really just more of an addition to reason number one, but it feels better to list it out like this -- she's seen Kathryn half-naked dozens of times by now, but that was Kathryn when she was _Emily_ , when they were _Emily and Naomi_ , not Kathryn and Lily, and it's very awkward, showering together like this, even if they're both covered up and it's only for the sake of getting things done in a timely manner, because they are so fucking off-schedule right now, completely behind, and it makes her anxious.

The water falls like rain around them, dripping off their lips, noses, clinging to their eyelashes. Kathryn says, "Hand me that tiny bottle of shampoo, yeah? My hair feels disgusting; too much fucking hairspray," and Lily reaches for the bottle, watches as Kat turns around and takes it from her, as she pours it all out into her hand, runs soapy fingers through her hair, watches as she stands under the full spray of the water and rinses it out, foam falling along her shoulders, running down her arms, stomach, pooling at her feet in gentle swirls.

She looks away before Kat opens her eyes, concentrating on finding the tiny bar of soap that goes with the shampoo and conditioner set, fumbling with the stupid paper wrapping, cursing, her hands stilling as Kat reaches forward and unwraps it for her. Her hands rest on top of Lily's, warm, as the water falls around them; Lily can't breathe.

"I got it," Kat says, letting the paper wrapper fall to the floor of the shower.

"Yeah," Lily says. "Right. Thanks."

When they towel and dress, they do so in separate rooms, Kat in the bathroom, Lily over by the door to the hotel room, quickly pulling on a sweatshirt and jeans, desperate to leave. She pretends to not hear Kat humming in the bathroom, tries to think of anything except the shower or the lake or the fact that in an hour or so they're both going to be undressed again, making love beside a campfire.

Only, it's not them making love, it's Emily and Naomi. She's very sure to remind herself of this, firmly and multiple times. Of course, later, when it's all playing out, it's much different than what they practiced; Kat is too eager, too sincere, her tongue running along Lily's lip when they kiss, her knee sliding up a bit too high between Lily's legs, her hands a bit too heavy on Lily's shoulders, breasts.

She kisses a path down from her mouth to her bellybutton, hair wet and cool against Lily's skin. She sits back on her heels and grins, watches as Lily moans, arches up, reaches behind her head for something to grasp onto, desperate.

Cut, scene, finish.

 

;;

 

Kathryn's sheets are cotton candy pink.

Lily groans and pushes herself into a sitting position, feeling cramped and sore from sharing a bed with Kat. They'd slept head to toe, even though Kathryn had insisted it would be alright to just share a bed normally. Lily yawns and stretches and nudges Kat with her foot. Kathryn stirs and makes a muffled sound that sounds to Lily like a request for five more minutes.

"It's Saturday," she tells Kat, nudging her again, this time in the stomach. "And anyway," she continues, looking over at the clock on Kathryn's night stand, "it's three o'clock in the afternoon. Don't you think it's time to get up?"

Kat groans and grabs at the blankets, pulling them up over her head. Lily laughs and pulls them back down and Kat scrunches up her face, looking displeased. However, a minute later she's sitting up and stretching her arms up and over her head, yawning loudly. Her hair's a mess and her makeup's a bit smeared, but, Lily thinks, she doesn't look half-bad. And then she's suddenly very self-aware, wondering if her hair's sticking out everywhere, if she looks okay. She reaches up and smooths her hair down, just in case.

"What do you want to do?" Kathryn asks later, once they've both showered and are sitting at the kitchen counter downstairs, dressed, Kat with a glass of orange juice in front of her and Lily waiting for her toast to be ready. It's probably too late in the afternoon to be having breakfast, Lily muses, but she really can't be fussed to make a decent lunch or anything.

"Dunno," Lily says, still feeling tired. "Do you want to go out?"

"Maybe. We could go to the cinema."

Lily's toast pops up, with a slight _ding_ sound. She's pleased to see that it's a rather nice golden brown color, because at home when she makes it, it usually turns out pretty shit, all burned and whatever. She looks at Kat expectantly and Kat gets up and gets the jam out of the cupboard for her. Lily fishes a knife out of the drawer beside the sink (she knows where the silverware is, having stayed for dinner once) and says, "Is there even anything good showing? Maybe we should do something like."

"Like what?" Kathryn asks, finishing her juice.

Lily shrugs and takes a bite out of her toast, satisfied. She grabs her plate and slides down into the seat across from Kathryn, who looks from her to her toast and then back up to her, so Lily sighs and breaks off a piece for her. Kathryn accepts it with a pleased smile, stuffing the whole thing into her mouth at once.

"We could always go shopping," she says, when she's finished chewing.

"We've been shopping. Last weekend, yeah? Besides, I haven't got any money."

"So fuck it, we'll go to the park."

They go to the park.

Lily thinks it's rather nice. She and Kat live on opposite sides of London, so this is all a bit new to her. Well, not really, because she's been here before, with Kat, once. Except, they were a bit fucked up, sharing a bottle of vodka and a spliff between them, so she doesn't really think that counts. Besides, it was night then and it's day now, and everything always looks different in the daytime.

"I think it's going to rain out," Kat says after a bit, while they're sitting on the grass in the middle of the park, passing a fag back and forth between them.

"Yeah?" Lily murmurs, taking a long drag, feeling the smoke burn her lungs.

Kat nods, plucks the cigarette from Lily's fingers deftly, finishes what's left of the fag, flicking it away.

"Think we should leave, then?" Lily says after a time, even though it took fucking half an hour to get here and they've only stayed ten minutes so far. She doesn't really think it's worth the effort and Kat apparently doesn't either, not bothering to answer the question, just lying back and closing her eyes, arms folded behind her head.

Lily falls back onto the grass beside her, staring up at the same, which is currently dull gray in color. She looks over at Kat, watches the way Kat's chest rises and falls with slow, even breaths. She looks different, Lily muses, and then realizes it's because Kat isn't wearing any makeup.

She looks so soft, so peaceful. The wind picks up and blows Kat's hair into her eyes; Lily is struck with the sudden urge to reach forward and brush it away, to tuck it behind Kat's ear. And then Kat opens her eyes, catches Lily watching her.

She smiles. "Hey."

"Hey," Lily says, embarrassed and flustered (she doesn't look away, though, doesn't break eye contact -- she doesn't know why).

Kat's hand moves forward; her fingers brush against Lily's arm, against warm, bare skin. Lily shivers and Kat closes her eyes again, fingers never stilling, writing words in cursive, long, broad strokes, along Lily's arm, words that Lily doesn't know. She doesn't say a word -- neither of them do, they just lie there, silent, as Kat strokes Lily's skin with her fingertips, the touch feather light.

It starts to rain.

They run through the streets, laughing, holding hands like schoolgirls, water falling all around them, splashing up and getting Lily's jeans wet when they run through puddles. They stop underneath the canopy of a little cafe, laughing, gasping to try and catch their breath. Lily can feel her shirt soaked through, clinging to her skin, looks over at Kat, red hair dripping, fringe plastered to her forehead, the ink from lyrics written on the toes and sides of her white Converses running.

And then there's a moment, a pause, when Kat stops laughing and Lily catches her breath and they both look up and their eyes meet.

(It's not like anything Lily can remember, this sort of look that passes between them, only, it feels a bit familiar, like she's seen it before, and then she remembers, it's the kind of look that Emily's always giving Naomi.)

"Kat," she starts to say.

Kathryn gives her a lop-sided smile, reaches up and brushes Lily's wet hair out of her eyes before she can say anything else (which she's almost sort of grateful for, because she doesn't really know what she's wants to say, doesn't even know if she'd be able to say it even if she did).

"Come on," Kathryn says, as nonchalantly as anything, and Lily feels very out of place, awkward and fumbling. "Come on, we're almost back at my place. It's only a bit further."

"Right," Lily says, shaking her head, trying to clear away her thoughts. "Yeah, right, come on, let's go."

They don't hold hands this time.

 

;;

 

"You're surprisingly sober," Lily says, and Kat laughs at that.

"I'm not drunk all the time," she tells Lily, though she's sipping her martini as she does it (a martini she's not supposed to be having, Lily thinks, and wonders who bought it for her). "It's just, you know, I like to have fun, and sometimes getting completely off my tits is a part of that. But I mean, it's not a standard or anything. I know loads of things that can be fun without being drunk."

"Oh?" Lily asks, arching an eyebrow suggestively, and Kat smirks.

"Pervy." Then, "Come dance with me, yeah?"

Three dances and two spilled beers later, Lily has had enough. She flops down into a booth beside Jack, who's finishing what is perhaps, Lily thinks, his tenth beer, and talking to Kaya and Lisa about something that Lily's a bit too drunk and not interested enough to care about. Kaya flashes her a smile across the table and Lily gives her a weak one in return. She's a bit tired from dancing, and the alcohol's making her head spin.

Kat falls in beside her a few minutes later -- though it really could have been more than an hour later, Lily's lost all sense of time by now, she's so completely off her face, it's really kind of pathetic -- frowning. Lily cocks her head trying to look at her straight on (the world's gone all lop-sided) and Kat points to her throat, tries to say something, but it seems she's lost her voice.

She doesn't really think she should laugh at that, they've got interviews tomorrow -- _fuck_ , they've got interviews tomorrow, she's going to have the worst fucking hangover ever, she's already dreading it, fuck -- but she does, bursting out into a fit of giggles, putting her hand over her mouth a second later, trying to smother her laugh. Kat rolls her eyes and kicks her under the table; it hurts, but it only makes her laugh more.

"Come on, we should get you . . ." Lily pauses, tries to think of the word, "home. Or maybe just, I don't know. Somewhere. Like, a hotel? No. Uh. Yeah, home, okay. Or maybe get some coffee first. I'm so fucking drunk."

She laughs again and Kat just sighs and stands, swinging her purse over her shoulder, pack of cigarettes in hand. She lights up as soon as they're outside, which Lily thinks it probably a bad idea, considering the situation with her voice and all, the smoke probably won't be good for her throat. But she doesn't say anything because she's now acutely aware of the pain in her shin from Kat kicking her (she's probably going to have a bruise later from it, fuck, Kat), so she keeps her mouth shut. She does, however, hold out her hand expectantly, and Kat looks up at her, then back down to her hand, passing the pack of fags and lighter over to Lily.

"You know, you're a mess," Lily says, as they walk down the street, blowing smoke up to the sky.

Kat looks over at her, eyebrows raised.

"You're a pretty mess," Lily says with conviction, after a minute, exhaling smoke with a sigh, tossing her cigarette away even though it's only half-finished; she just doesn't feel like having a smoke right now, feels tired and anxious all at once and her stomach is doing flip flops and she can't tell if it's because of the alcohol or if because they've stopped, suddenly, on the middle of the sidewalk, and she doesn't know when it happened, but Kat's staring at her with intense brown eyes.

There's a moment where she's lost, confused, where the words that are on the tip of her tongue are suddenly forgotten, and she _knows_ that's all come to this, but there's this distance between them, two, three feet, and she can't even --

And then Kathryn steps forward, puts her hands on the side of Lily's face and kisses her full on the mouth. No hesitation, no awkwardness, just Kat's lips pressed hard against her own, determined, and Lily finds her hands falling to Kat's waist, gripping her black dress, the edge of her denim jacket.

"Oh," Lily says, when it's over. "Oh. Right."

And Kathryn smiles in that knowing, irritating way of hers, and so Lily leans forward and kisses her again, just to get her to stop. They're both still drunk and a bit unsteady; they fall against the wall of some shop, her knuckles scraping against the bricks. Kat reaches up, tangles her hands in Lily's hair, grips her head, makes the kiss go on forever, until Lily can barely breathe and she pulls away roughly, gasping.

They're both still panting when Kat kisses her once more, and it's again and again, just like this, and somewhere between here, the train, and Kathryn's bedroom, they fall into Kat's bed, not even bothering to properly undress -- fuck it, they've been here and done this so many times, even if it wasn't really _them_ doing it, except, it was, and they already know what to do.

(And she thinks, she should probably take a step back right now, consider her options, because her boyfriend's at home and Meg's still at the club with everyone else and things are getting so complicated right now, have been getting complicated since day one -- but the thing is, she may be drunk, but Lily can't seem to ever remember feeling this sure about something, ever, and, and, she's not the shy little girl Kathryn used to know.)

Kathryn kisses her breathlessly, arching up. Her hand finds Lily's free one, their fingers sliding together, interlocking. Holding hands while making love, because it's not fucking, it's _never_ been fucking, even if it wasn't them, and it doesn't even fucking matter at this point, because she's drunk and her head is hurting and they've got to get up in four hours to do interviews, and yet despite it all, she doesn't give a fuck, her mind's gone completely blank. The only thing she can think about is Kat kissing her neck, of her own fingers moving with uneven strokes between Kathryn's thighs, making her shiver, moaning so softly it's barely audible.

"I -- I don't, I'm not, I, . . ." Kat tries to say later, voice just barely a whisper.

Lily licks her lips, leans forward, kisses her, kisses her ear, keeps her quiet.

"S'okay," she says softly, reassuringly, even though she's only half-awake and has no idea what Kat means or what she's thinking.

Kathryn sighs and and brings Lily's hand up to her mouth, their fingers still intertwined, kisses her wrist, the back of her hand, her knuckles.


End file.
